No regrets...

So many juniors came up to me saying that how couldn’t I participate in dance for Manthan, the annual inter hostel cultural festival. The question was killing apart from the expressions on their faces. It’s weird how we see movies and read books on things that you should follow which your heart desires but revert back to the normal life we live every day.  Couldn’t I have spared a little time to be a part of the practices every day? I guess I could have. Then what was it that leads me to abstain from it?

I guess they were a series of incomplete tasks and the burden of my goal for this semester which prevented me to enjoy something which so naturally comes to me- Dance. Sometimes it’s not okay to let go. Sometimes you need to adhere. Well the opposite side will seem perfectly crafted apotheosis of inspiration and motivation to have a free will and do what your heart desires but well my vision has crossed far beyond the predictions of natural successions to realize and tell myself what I need to live up to. Nobody had told me, goals especially ambitious ones would come in ribbon tied box which I would just neatly open up. The more important thing is nobody should. 

Unless you are absolutely determined to achieve what you've set to achieve you will not. Yeah I might realize in process whether it is worth it or not and that’s where I could choose to stop and let go. Do the things I do and pamper myself with a break but when I am in the middle of the road trying to reach a particular place, I cannot fancy me with break or a rest. What for? Dance for me is my hobby. I love it but I do not wish to pursue it.

I can dance anywhere. The feeling of not being ashamed and using it to express myself is priceless. But I cannot dance anytime and every time. I do it to take a break not to commit myself to it. A break from the tiring incline of the success graph I wish to see for myself. It brings a sort of constancy in me. It gives me the energy. Energy for what? To continue to pursue something else.

And  yeah this is not a letter of apology or clarification. In fact it’s a conversation with me. Talking to myself gives me the drive. My teachers have told me that I am a great speaker but a terrible listener. I wondered how I could improve. I failed. I couldn’t listen to most of them. Might sound funny now but well last option was to at least listen to myself. For now, things are going pretty well and I have taken decisions and have at least tried to proudly live up to them. For me, dance and conversations like these are my drive.  

So in the end, of course the choice is yours to do whatever you feel is right for you. Either way I believe you will land up in a place familiar to where you’d mentally limited yourself. You could be happy, you could be sad but I wouldn’t ever want to regret the path I take.  I’m happy in this case I don’t. 

Reaching for the stars....

William had been my best friend since college. He was one of the very few who effortlessly made his way through my bastion of life. I had always thought of him to be awry with those unconventional methods of problem solving so much so that I had started despising his acumen. Although there was no doubt that William and I were on the same intellectual level, I always used to end up undermining myself. 

One day when I was struggling hard with this apocryphal fact William worsened the situation by coming up with a preposterous idea of discovering a star by going to the North Pole. I had always been the textbook follower. Such absurdity had no room for respect. He was belaboring to the extent of me losing my equanimity. Enraged I had a bet with him saying that “I will follow the rules and you do your nonsense but I will reach for those stars earlier than you do”. William abated the storm by going no further. He was used to me losing my temper. 

Well this incident was wiped off my memory just like those after party nights. Time passed and we got so busy with our own lives that we were hardly in contact with each other.  The distance between London and Massachusetts worsened our relation. However, we both were flourishing in our work and were joyously living the dream. Astrophysics was life; I remember telling him almost every day. With me siting in my office trying to make multiple copies of a document saving it in different hard drives for backup I came across “my college days” folder. Sometimes going through your old folders is a rediscovering process of your long lost and forgotten old self. 

The first pic that caught my attention was William and me holding our graduate degrees. In that same moment my cellphone buzzed. To my surprise it was Williams’s residence. My already existing smile broadened. Titillated, I received his call. “Hey buddy! How are you?” I said with alacrity. “ugh John? This is Williams’s mother” I heard a melancholy in her voice. My heart sank. “Williams met with an accident. He wants to talk to you” she said with a constant quiver in her voice. “hey jonnie…” I heard a faint voice which seemed to resemble Williams. “docs say I don’t have much time so I thought of telling you something” he said. My heart was beating so fast I guess I went numb. “Hey willy. Long time mate” I said with a tear rolling off my eyes with his picture right in front of me. And then he said “I told you I will win brother. I am reaching for the stars now.” 

confused!!

Let me admonish the reader from before that what you read ahead might lead you to abhor me acutely. Probably the acrimonious debate with myself over certain questions has left me exasperated coveting for the storm to abate but alas! It’s all in vain.

The question is “Is there a basis for passion?” if yes, then does it mean that by rational plausible explanation one can convince oneself to be passionate about anything and everything? If no, then how does one rationally move towards achieving the set goals and in fact how does one become rational at all? Most of the times one would say that they are passionate about something because they “like” it. It’s like saying I’m passionate because I’m passionate. So it seems liking something is a “just-like-that” business. Obviously here I am using “like” synonymous to passion and not interest. Being interested and being passionate are two very different things.  If there is someone who feels they can make long term plans but not short term ones kindly let me know. Because that would mean that they have rejected the dynamic nature of immediate chain of events creating an impact over their lives. This doesn’t seem plausible to me. Holding that thought, the ones who feels that they do not have long term plans but short term ones are leaving their life to chance. This is a strange dilemma. The immediate question is how is one supposed to live then? Aimless?  Is there a need to have an aim? Wouldn’t you feel wasted without doing anything? In fact you really can’t do nothing as such. Ahh…I stand confused….